Part 1: This Is Not the Lump You’re Looking For

Or: How I accidentally joined the head and neck cancer club without asking for a membership card

A few months ago, I found myself poking at the side of my neck like a bloke checking for his wallet — over and over again. Why? Because there was a lump. Not a throbbing, screaming, “Look at me!” kind of lump. Just a subtle, squat little thing that had moved in rent-free.

I’ve had chronic sinus issues and post-nasal drip for years, so I figured it was just another perk of my glamorous nasal lifestyle. Maybe a swollen gland. Maybe a cyst. Maybe a stray ball bearing I inhaled during DIY in 2024.

Naturally, like any normal British man, I followed the official health protocol:

1. Ignore it

2. Poke it occasionally in the mirror

3. Convince myself it was cancer at 2:47 a.m. after reading “15 Signs You’re Doomed” on Google

Eventually — after some gentle prodding from my wife and a mental slap from remembering a friend's lump advice — I went to see the GP.

🏥 The Medical Safari Begins

My GP was excellent and didn’t muck about. She sent me for an ultrasound, which revealed a fluid-filled lump (probably a branchial cleft cyst, aka a “don’t-panic” neck blob).

Then came the Greatest Hits tour of modern diagnostics:

• Biopsy: "We’d love to sample something, but it’s just full of juice."

• MRI: “Interesting… your right tonsil’s bigger than your left.”

• PET scan: “We only found your tonsils glowing ominously — so far, so good.”

Despite the cyst looking more like an overachieving water balloon than a tumour, they decided to remove both tonsils and do biopsies, just to be safe.

So I had surgery. And let me tell you — if you’ve never had your tonsils out as an adult, imagine swallowing sandpaper dipped in vinegar while chewing on a cactus, and you’re getting close.

Toast became both my enemy and my saviour. I measured time in codeine doses. I developed deep emotional attachments to jelly.

🧾 Then Came the News

“It’s HPV-positive tonsil cancer, but — and this is important — it’s very treatable. Your scans were clear. We can sort this with surgery.”

Wait, what?

Yes, apparently HPV, the same virus that causes common warts and, more awkwardly, things in more private places, can also cause head and neck cancer. Lucky me. I always said I wanted to be a bit different.

🛠️ What’s Next?

I’m booked in for laser surgery on 28th July, where they’ll:

• Remove the remaining tumour tissue from my throat

• Take out some lymph nodes in my neck

• Evict the cyst once and for all

The plan is curative. The team is confident. The PET scan was clear.I’m walking into this knowing I’ve got a fighting chance and a brilliant NHS team in my corner.

☕ Where I Am Now

Honestly? Bit tired. Bit anxious. Bit sick of soft food. But mostly? Grateful — that I got it checked. That it was caught early. That I didn’t keep ignoring it.

And grateful I’ve still got my sense of humour, even if I now ration my laughs to avoid throat pain.

This blog will be my way of documenting the journey. There’ll be honesty. There’ll be tea. There may be too many metaphors. But if this helps even one person go, “Hmm, maybe I should get that lump looked at,” then job done.

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